I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
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Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.