@1followernodad: I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it's so honest
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@Playing_Dad: Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween? Dog: Sure, put it on Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
@ericsshadow: I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why