I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.