I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I have never related to anyone more.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper