I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.