@MelissaJoy33: I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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@BeardSpice: Welcome to thievery club. Please take a seat.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: He’s starting to stir! Wife: Shhhh. Me: OH MY GOD… Wife: Be quiet. Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE! Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
@CornOnTheGoblin: Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I'd like to come home
@AmericanGent69: {during sex} Her: Make me scream Me: *turns on lights
@davidschneider: I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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