I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama