i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.