I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
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This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news