I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
oh shit
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Dead sexy!!
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
No regrets in 2018
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny