I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!