My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I saw this ending much differently.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.