I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]