@kcmoore51: I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I'm starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.
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@jon_albo: Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don't worry, they're just numbers.
@TheHatStore: WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
@zachreinert03: Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME
@CanadianCyn: If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.