What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
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You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Me sliding into hell like
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I found your tweet-up…
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
What if the weather talks about us?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?