I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.