I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
You Might Also Like
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
fourth time’s the charm
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.