I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago