“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
You Might Also Like
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
RT if you could go either way.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby