I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
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I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal