Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
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Schrödinger’s cookie
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep