SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Just grow your own
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.