I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
the composer