I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Cartman: Respect my
a a
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.