I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
You Might Also Like
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win