Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.