If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Sell your car
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.