I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
drew a comic about my origin story
Oh we’ve met.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.