14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
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Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.