I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
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Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My dad teaching me to drive
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*