I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
THIS HEADLINE
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti