I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Cheer up.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am