Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
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I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
this post was so formative to me
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.