I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
You Might Also Like
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!