@mattZillaaaa: I love it when I see an old friend I haven't seen in years and pretend to not see them
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@SaraESpivey: I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they're DEAD. Plants are ALIVE, vegans. You disgust me.
@internetluke: [looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground] It doesn't say its specifically for babies, Karen
@ddsmidt: When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it's worse than being included on a group text.
@DaddyJew: I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room *giggles*