I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help