Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
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Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”