I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
There is no “we” in chocolate.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”