“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
the world’s most popular steaming services
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.