I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
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me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom