I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
drew a comic about my origin story
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES