I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.