I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’