I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
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*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
ready to be harvested
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.