I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.