I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
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“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Friday
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES