@Halbeerz: Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

@squirrel74wkgn: [standing outside in the rain] *opens weather app* Looks like rain today.

@dlockw21: *First Date Her: Why are we at Home Depot? Me: I wanted to see what it's like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

@rolldiggity: A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else's, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.

@hazelmotes1: Me: This painting really speaks to me. Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.