@TeaAndCopy: [Going through customs] Anything to declare, sir? 1…2… Sir, what are you– 3…4…I declare a thumb war! Oh bring it on *misses flight*

@iMikosnyc: Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let's do this!!!

@junejuly12: Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

@thenatewolf: I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like "oh wow maybe marriage is cool" and then the lady said "STOP BREATHING ON ME"

@YesThatAmy: Define "no more Twitter or I will leave you."