I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
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the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
this came to me in a vision
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I