I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.