My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
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my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I’m listening
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase