I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
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Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.