I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.