I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.