@Rollinintheseat: *Speed dating* Me: "Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?" Him: "No." Me: "Next."

@SmurfetteDE: Hey people - learn to spell!!! I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

@letsleaveEarth: Friends are like balloons; if you stab them, they die.

@lildandeli0n: Caller: I'm your worst nightmare. Me: Whaaat?? You're a sugar free cookie??

@aveuaskew: The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.