I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
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3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”