I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
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if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
accurate
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.